Jesus take the wheel
THERE’S SO MUCH GOD DAMN SPINACH in this shit even Popeye can’t hate. Yeah spinach makes you swoll as fuck, we know that. But did you know just one cup of spinach is over 300% of your daily recommended Vitamin A? Sweet fuck. You worried about acne? Wrinkles? Any other skin shit? Spinach to the mother fucking rescue. That shit keeps your skin looking so fresh and so clean, not to mention helping to prevent skin cancer. Spinach has these plant-based compounds called “flavonoids” that not only repair damaged skin but also fight multiple types of cancer. Everybody knows I ain’t even fucking playing when it comes to dick cancer, I gotta have my shit in tact.
IF YOU SMOKE cigarettes (tumblr crew I’m looking at you), DO NOT take any Vitamin A or beta carotene supplements. Studies have shown that combining those supplements with tobacco drastically increases your risk for lung cancer. But then again, smoking drastically increases your risk for lung cancer. So quit that shit.
You want to make this shit at home and tell Jamba Juice they can go fuck themselves by not paying for their high calorie sugary shit? Recipe below for a Thug Kitchen Original:
SPINACH COOLER
Ectoplasm free and Dr. Venkman approved
- 2 handfuls of spinach (about 2 cups)
- 2 frozen bananas
- 1 cup chopped and skinned cucumber
- 4 medium chunks of pineapple
- 1 cup coconut water or tap
- 1/4 cup orange juice
- 1 tablespoon flax oil (optional)
- 6-8 mint leaves (optional, but I dig that shit)
- yields ~20 ounces
Toss that shit in a blender and zap it. If you prefer it a little sweeter, add some more pineapple to that shit. DRINK UP, CHAMP.
Seriously though, fuck Jamba Juice. Only they could make smoothies as unhealthy as McDonald’s made oatmeal.
holy shit i just made this and it’s fucking delicious i can feel my taste buds crying from how fucking happy they are
I TRIED A SAMPLE OF THAT AND IT WAS FUCKING AMAZING THANK YOU FOR THIS
Chocolate Lasagna
INGREDIENTS
- 1 package regular Oreo cookies (Not Double Stuff) – about 36 cookies
- 6 Tablespoon butter, melted
- 1- 8 ounce package cream cheese, softened
- 1/4 cup granulated sugar
- 2 Tablespoons cold milk
- 1- 12 ounce tub Cool Whip, divided
- 2 – 3.9 ounce packages Chocolate Instant Pudding.
- 3 1/4 cups cold milk
- 1 and 1/2 cups mini chocolate chips
DIRECTIONS
- Begin by crushing 36 Oreo cookies. I used my food processor for this, but you could also place them in a large ziplock bag and crush them with a rolling pin. When the Oreos have turned into fine crumbs, you are done.
- Transfer the Oreo crumbs to a large bowl. Stir in 6 tablespoons melted butter and use a fork to incorporate the butter into the cookie crumbs. When the butter is distributed, transfer the mixture to a 9 x 13 inch baking dish. Press the crumbs into the bottom of the pan. Place the pan in the refrigerator while you work on the additional layers.
- Mix the cream cheese with a mixer until light and fluffy. Add in 2 Tablespoons of milk, and sugar, and mix well. Stir in 1 and 1/4 cups Cool Whip. Spread this mixture over the crust.
- In a bowl, combine chocolate instant pudding with 3 and 1/4 cups cold milk. Whisk for several minutes until the pudding starts to thicken. Use a spatula to spread the mixture over the previous cream cheese layer. Allow the dessert to rest for about 5 minutes so that the pudding can firm up further.
- Spread the remaining Cool Whip over the top. Sprinkle mini chocolate chips evenly over the top. Place in the freezer for 1 hour, or the refrigerator for 4 hours before serving.
I have seen heaven and it is a beautiful place
EVERYONE FUCKING LOVES MILKSHAKES, RIGHT? THIS MILKSHAKE IS ACTUALLY BETTER THAN HEAVEN, SO BE FUCKING PREPARED TO EAT THAT SHIT!
WHAT YOU NEED: 5-6 BANANAS, ALMOND MILK, SOY YOGURT, AND HONEY (OPTIONAL, I ONLY USED IT ONCE AND IT WAS PRETTY GOOD, BUT IF YOU’RE A VEGAN MOTHERFUCKER YOU DON’T NEED IT, IT’S STILL REALLY FUCKING GOOD).(IF YOU’RE NOT VEGAN, GREEK YOGURT IS FINE!)I SUGGEST THE SILK BRAND ALMOND MILK, THAT SHIT ACTUALLY FEELS LIKE SOFT ASS FABRIC COATING YOUR THROAT ON THE WAY DOWN.
FIRST, YOU SHOULD WRESTLE YOUR BANANAS TO A GLORIOUS MOUNTAIN TOP, OR, IF MORE CONVENIENT, TOSS THOSE BAD-BOYS IN YOUR FREEZER. I SUGGEST LEAVING THEM IN THERE OVERNIGHT, BUT AS LONG AS THEY’RE FROZEN, YOU’RE GOOD.WHEN YOU TAKE YOUR BANANAS OUT OF THE FREEZER, THE OUTER SKIN SHOULD BE A BROWNISH COLOR. IT’S ALRIGHT, DON’T WORRY YOU BEAUTIFUL MOTHERFUCKER, THE INSIDES ARE STILL EDIBLE. TAKE THEM OUT AND KNIFE THAT BROWN SHIT OFF, THAT, MY FRIEND, IS NOT EDIBLE.
JUDO-CHOP YOUR BANANAS UP AND THROW THEM INTO A BLENDER.
NEXT, POUR ABOUT ONE CUP OF ALMOND MILK INTO THE BLENDER, FOLLOWED BY 2 HEAPING SCOOPS OF YOGURT (AND IF YOU WANT, A SMALL AMOUNT OF HONEY. SORRY, I DON’T REMEMBER HOW MUCH, YOU CAN ALWAYS ADD FOR FLAVOR LATER THOUGH, SO DON’T WORRY).
NOW, BLEND THAT SHIT TOGETHER! IT SHOULD BE PRETTY THICK AND ULTRA CREAMY, AND TASTE REALLY FUCKING DELICIOUS! WHEN YOU’RE DONE EATING IT, DON’T WORRY, YOU’VE GOT ANOTHER ONE.
Recipes for smoothies that actually aid in weight loss
There are 23 total in the link below, so if the ones I’ve posted here don’t interest you, check out the others to find something you might like~
PEANUT BUTTER AND BANANA
- Half of one banana
- 1/2 cup smooth or crunchy low-fat peanut butter
- 1/2 cup of non-fat milk
- 6 ice cubes
- 1 tablespoon of chocolate whey protein powder
- Place all of the ingredients into the blender and blend until smooth.
WATERMELON
- 6 cups of seedless watermelon, chopped
- 1 cup of lemon sherbet, non-fat milk, or low-fat vanilla yogurt
- 12 ice cubes
- Put half the watermelon in the blender and blend until smooth, then add half of the ice and sherbet; blend until smooth. Repeat the process with the rest of the ingredients.
KIWI AND HONEYDEW
- 2 cups of honeydew, cubed
- 1 Granny Smith apple, chopped
- 1 kiwi fruit, peeled and chopped
- 2 tablespoons of sugar
- 1 tablespoon of lemon juice
- 1 cup of ice cubes
- Place the honeydew, kiwi, apple, sugar, and lemon juice into the blender and blend until it’s smooth, then add the ice cubes and blend until the mixture is slushy.
MANGO SURPRISE
- 1/4 cup of cubed mangoes
- 1/4 cup of ripe avocado, mashed
- 1/2 cup of mango juice
- 1/4 cup of fat-free vanilla yogurt
- 1 tablespoon of juice
- 1 tablespoon of sugar
- 6 ice cubes
- Add all the ingredients into the blender and blend until smooth.
APPLE
- 1/2 cup of skim milk or soy milk
- 6 ounces of vanilla yogurt
- 1 teaspoon of apple pie spice
- 1 medium-sized, chopped apple
- 2 tablespoons of cashew butter
- 6 ice cubes
- Place all the ingredients in the blender and then blend until smooth; best eaten with a spoon!
These all look so yummy! I think I’ll try the apple one first… or maybe the kiwi? but the mango peach looks so delicious!! oh no, can’t decide!
Mother of juice. Perfect timing because I just started working out again.
Diabetes here I come!
What the
ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL SOMEONE WITH THIS
oh
oh my
fucking
god
(Source: theinturnetexplorer)
Garlic Parmesan Pull-Apart Bread
1 can of refrigerated Grands biscuits (not the flaky layers)
1/2 stick of butter
3 cloves of garlic, minced
1/2 cup grated Parmesan cheese
1 tsp Italian Seasoning
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Throw the cold stick of butter in a bundt pan and let it melt in the preheating oven.
While the butter melts, cut the Grands biscuits into quarters. In a bowl, toss the biscuit pieces, garlic, Italian Seasoning, and Parmesan cheese together.
Once the butter is melted, add the biscuit mixture to the pan, sprinkling with any cheese and garlic that gets let behind in the bowl.
Bake at 350 degrees for 20- 22 minutes until golden brown. Turn out on a dish and enjoy!So uhm yeah this is definitely happening
(Source: myworldequalart)
- there is an unlisted size: short (8 oz). This is most cafes’ “small,” but Starbucks shifted the sizes up a number of years ago (which is why “tall” and “grande” weren’t weird names then), making the venti the largest. You can get any hot drink short.
we have a number of flavor syrups that aren’t listed on the menu, just ask what we have. Also, despite what many customers think, we have peppermint year round, so we can make peppermint mochas and peppermint white mochas any time of the year. Gingerbread and pumpkin spice are seasonal, but we may not run out of stock for quite a while, so if it’s February there’s still a chance.
bring your own cup, save 10 cents. Might have to remind the cashier, we forget sometimes.
you can get a drink “for here” and get it in ceramic/glass, feel fancy, waste less.
edited to add: 50 cent refills on coffee, iced tea, or iced coffee (not espresso beverages)
iced large drinks have extra everything, on account of being 24 and not 20 ounces - extra espresso shot, extra pump of syrup.
it’s honestly not that annoying that you have a very specific drink order. It breaks up the monotony, and it’s nice not to be a vanilla latte robot. Sometimes people would ask for weird things that I’d make for myself later and end up liking! (protip: green tea latte with peppermint)
You can get the matcha green tea as plain, non-milk tea. It’s pretty cheap for matcha tea, too.
adding a syrup to a drink always costs extra (unless the cashier likes you/doesn’t care, which is frequent), unless it’s already in that drink. i.e., a caramel frappuccino with extra caramel doesn’t cost extra.
that delicious caramel sauce is in fact real caramel. That plastic-tasting caramel syrup is not. Many people don’t realize we have both - the caramel sauce is what decorates the cup of the caramel frappuccino and on the whipped cream, the caramel syrup is what flavors the actual frappuccino or a caramel latte.
a caramel macchiato is a vanilla latte with caramel sauce, and least (Starbucks: “most”) importantly, the espresso shot put on top of the steamed milk.
infrequently ordered, but delicious drink: a marble macchiato. It’s like a caramel macchiato but with half mocha syrup, half white mocha.
if you want a legit cappuccino and you see jugs of milk on the counter, ask for them to use milk from the fridge. Milk needs to be cold to foam that well. Likewise, if you want a soy cappuccino, you can be a pain in the ass and ask for soymilk from the fridge (they might not even have any in there), since soy will barely foam at room temperature, since the cartons are shelf-stable.
if you have no idea what to order, ask us. Since we get free drinks you can count on us trying every single drink in every disgusting combination. Our favorite drink will probably be something excessively complicated we’ll be happy to make for you.
on that note, if you’re like, green tea latte? disgusting or delicious? you can ask us to sample it. we’ll make a whole drink and split it into sample cups. No big deal, our manager will probably like us better for promoting drinks anyways, and you don’t have to spend money to find out raspberry mochas are gross and green tea is delicious.
same thing for pastries. We’ll sample it if you ask and we have enough (generally yes).
if you really like a certain coffee we have but we don’t have it brewing, you can ask for a french press version. French press generally tastes better anyway, and iirc it doesn’t actually cost any more and you can order whatever size you normally would. We’ll probably sample the rest of the pot anyway. However, this will take significantly longer since, for once, we actually have to brew the coffee ourselves.
we often forget or get too busy, but we actually have giftwrap, especially around the holidays. Ask and we’ll make that overpriced mug purty.
I had a few customers with impossible or silly requests. (1) impossibly hot beverages - in excess of 210F. guys. srsly. (2) people who ask for extra hot cappuccinos and are disappointed by them still not being hot enough. This is how a cappuccino is - there’s too much air/surface area for the foam layer to ever be hot. If you want hot, get a latte. (3) asking for less-hot milk from the pitchers we’ve already made. We can’t serve milk that has gone below 135, you have to have us make a fresh batch. Sucks for waste, better for you not puking.
in terms of dairy allergy/vegan stuff, the caramel sauce, white chocolate syrup, and pumpkin spice syrup all contain dairy. The chai contains honey. The whipped cream is 100% legit heavy cream. The caramel syrup, mocha syrup, and other syrups are non-dairy. This stuff might not matter to the lactose intolerant, but to some it does. For the caffeine-sensitive, the mocha syrup does not actually have any coffee - it’s chocolate sauce, and is just named that because it’s what we use for mochas. The “creme-based” list of fraps is usually pretty short, but there are usually more caffeine-free options, just ask.
Not long ago I stumbled upon a recipe for chocolate chip cookies which was published in the New York Times on July 9, 2008. What got my attention was that the recipe had been adapted from one created by the famous, French pastry chef and chocolatier, Jacques Torres. I read through the list of ingredients, envisioned the look and feel of the process in my head, and decided that they definitely deserved a test-drive. 24 hours later you can see what came out of my oven. This cookie is chock-full of good chocolate. It’s slightly chewy in the center and crisp around the edges. And these, my friends, are still warm. It stands above any chocolate chip cookie I’ve ever made before.
Chocolate chip cookies, adapted from The New York Times
Ingredients:
- 2 cups minus 2 tablespoons (8 1/2 ounces) cake flour
- 1 2/3 cups (8 1/2 ounces) bread flour
- 1 1/4 teaspoons baking soda
- 1 1/2 teaspoons baking powder
- 1 1/2 teaspoons coarse salt
- 2 1/2 sticks (1 1/4 cups) unsalted butter
- 1 1/4 cups (10 ounces) light brown sugar
- 1 cup plus 2 tablespoons (8 ounces) granulated sugar
- 2 large eggs
- 2 teaspoons vanilla extract
- 1 1/4 pounds semisweet chocolate chips, at least 60 percent cacao content
- Additional kosher salt
Directions:
Sift flours, baking soda, baking powder and salt into a bowl. Set aside.
Using a mixer fitted with paddle attachment, cream butter and sugars together until very light, about 5 minutes. Add eggs, one at a time, mixing well after each addition. Stir in the vanilla. Reduce speed to low, add dry ingredients and mix until just combined. Add chocolate pieces and mix briefly, only until incorporated. Press plastic wrap against dough and refrigerate for 24 to 36 hours. Dough may be used in batches, and can be refrigerated for up to 72 hours.
When ready to bake, preheat oven to 350 degrees. Line a baking sheet with parchment paper or a nonstick baking mat.
Scoop mounds of dough a little bigger than a golf ball onto baking sheet. Sprinkle lightly with kosher salt and bake until golden brown but still soft, 17 to 18 minutes. Cool on wire rack. Repeat with remaining dough, or reserve dough, refrigerated, for baking remaining batches the next day. These are best eaten warm, of course.
